A Mother's Shame Read online

  Maria kept her head down and left Isabelle to answer. For some reason she felt tongue-tied in his presence and yet she found herself continually glancing towards him from the corner of her eye. He had shown such patience during the course of the afternoon that she was amazed. Not many men would have been as helpful and understanding as he had, and yet he had made no single word of complaint. He really did seem like a genuinely kind young man.

  By the time they arrived back at the hotel their purchases had been delivered to their rooms, and Kitty wasted no time in getting into her new clothes, twirling in front of the cheval mirror and whooping with delight at the sight of herself.

  ‘Eeh, I feel like a toff!’ she chuckled.

  Maria smiled indulgently. There was something very naïve and innocent about the girl that made her feel protective towards her.

  ‘And you look wonderful too,’ she assured Kitty. ‘But now you should get changed back into your old things again and keep those clean for tomorrow. Our meal is being brought to the room soon and you don’t want to spill anything down it.’

  When Kitty’s eyes suddenly welled with tears, Maria was alarmed. ‘Whatever is the matter?’ she asked.

  Kitty sniffed before replying, ‘It’s just everythin’, Maria. I mean, stayin’ in a place like this an’ all me new clothes . . . But most of all it’s you. Yer see, nobody’s ever been kind to me afore an’ it’s takin’ some gettin’ used to. I keep expectin’ Mrs Bradshaw to appear an’ whisk me off back to Hatter’s Hall again, or to wake up to find all this has been just a lovely dream.’

  Maria hugged the girl compassionately. She had thought her own life had been hard, but compared to Kitty’s, it had been idyllic. At least she had had a mother who loved her. Kitty had never had anyone.

  ‘Everything is going to be just fine for you from now on,’ she said comfortingly. ‘Now come on, let’s get you changed before our dinner comes. I’m starving, aren’t you?’

  Much later, as they lay in the comfortable featherbeds before drifting off to sleep, Maria heard Kitty sigh with contentment. The long train journey and the shopping trip had caught up with them now, but Maria lay awake long after Kitty’s gentle snores were echoing about the room. This would be her last night on English soil. This time tomorrow they would be aboard the ship, waiting for it to sail to foreign lands.

  She thought of her family and a pang of loneliness, sharp as a knife, sliced through her. Then she thought of the child that was growing within her and tears pricked at her eyes. Suddenly she was able to see with crystal clarity what she had felt for Lennie for what it really was. A silly infatuation. To him she had been just another conquest, and much as it hurt to admit it, she knew now that he would never have come back for her. She had allowed herself to be seduced by his handsome face and his sweet-talking tongue, but the worst of it was she had no one to blame but herself. After all, she had encouraged his advances – before they had got out of hand, that was. And now she would be branded forever as a loose woman once the child was born, unless she went along with Miss Isabelle’s suggestion and told everyone that she was a young widow. Even then, if she were able to do it, she could lie to everyone else – but she would know the truth.

  Berating herself for a fool, she finally fell asleep with tears on her cheeks and the image of Master Josh’s handsome face swimming behind her eyes.

  First thing next morning, two small valises, which Joshua had thoughtfully provided, were delivered to their room. Kitty and Maria hastily packed them with their belongings. They were served with breakfast and then they waited in a fever of excitement and trepidation for the summons from their mistress.

  When it came, Kitty left the room and swept down the stairs with her head held high for the first time in her young life. In her smart new gown and cloak, and her good quality buttoned boots, she felt equal to anyone – and Maria could not help but smile as she watched her. The night before, Kitty had had a proper bath, also for the first time in her life, and Maria had washed her hair for her and brushed it until it gleamed. Now she looked like a different person and was acting like one too.

  Joshua was waiting for them in the foyer to inform them that Isabelle was already in a cab outside. Colour flamed into Maria’s cheeks at the sight of him and she wondered how she was going to bear almost four months aboard ship in such close proximity.

  She followed him sedately out to the cab where Isabelle was already seated, her face decorated with a severe frown. Maria could sense that now that their departure was imminent, the young woman suddenly wasn’t so sure that she wanted to go. But then what other option was open to either of them? Surely anywhere was better than being confined in Hatter’s Hall for months to come. Isabelle had made no secret of the fact that she already hated her unborn child, and Maria was secretly relieved that it would be fostered out to someone who wanted it and would take good care of it.

  Soon the cab was darting through the streets, weaving in and out of the traffic at an alarming rate. Every now and again, Maria closed her eyes and clung to the edge of her seat, certain that they were going to collide with something, but at last they reached the docks without incident.

  Whilst Joshua got a burly seaman to unload their luggage, the three women stared about them: the whole place was a hive of activity. Ahead of them towered the Northern Lights and Maria gulped nervously. On the way Isabelle had told her that the ship would be carrying over four hundred people, and although it – no, one had to call a vessel she – although she was huge, the girl wondered how they would all fit onto her. A gangplank stretched from the ship down to the dock, and sailors ran up and down it, carrying a variety of things onto the deck. Piles of luggage were scattered everywhere as well as barrels and huge tubs that appeared to be full of salted meat. There was even livestock being led aboard. Matelots of all nationalities thronged about them – black men, Chinese men, Arabic men – and Kitty grasped Maria’s hand nervously. There were also women in low-cut tops with painted faces brazenly strolling amongst them, and deeply embarrassed, the girls averted their eyes.

  ‘We shall need to see the Medical Officer before we are allowed to board,’ Joshua told them as he guided them through the teeming crowds. Maria shuddered as she saw a rat that was easily as big as a cat scamper amongst the cabin trunks, but she wisely did not comment on it. Kitty was nervous enough as it was. They found the Medical Officer in what could only be described as a shed, and although he barely looked at Joshua and Isabelle, he poked and prodded Maria and Kitty and listened to their chests, causing them to flush with humiliation. Eventually he gave them permission to board, and as they struggled past the queue of passengers who were waiting to see him, Kitty said indignantly, ‘What were all that about?’ She was not used to being manhandled in that intimate way by a strange male.

  ‘They have to ensure that everyone travelling is reasonably healthy, otherwise a serious illness could be carried aboard, and in such confined spaces it would sweep through the ship like wildfire,’ Joshua explained patiently, overhearing her complaint.

  At last they reached the end of the gangway, which was swarming with people going aboard now, and Kitty’s stomach churned as she caught her first ever glimpse of the sea. Black and stormy, it was slapping viciously against the side of the dock, and all manner of debris was floating on it. It was nothing at all like the serene blue waters and golden sandy beaches she had glimpsed in the books that some of the richer inmates at Hatter’s Hall occasionally left behind . . . but she had no time to ponder on it for Joshua was urging them upwards now, and Kitty clutched at the ropes at the sides of the gangplank for dear life.

  After what seemed like an eternity they reached the deck and crossed to the rails to catch their breath. It looked a very long way down to the docks now and Kitty’s nervousness increased. Passengers standing by them were hanging over the rails shouting to people below who waved frantically back. Some of them were much more poorly dressed than they were and Kitty guessed that these must be the people
who were going to Australia hoping to make their fortune. But the moment had passed for second thoughts. Joshua was keen to see everyone to their cabins and he hailed a steward.

  The man, who appeared to be almost as far around as he was high, checked the tickets that Joshua handed over, then with a little bow in Isabelle’s direction he asked them to follow him. ‘You and the young lady are cabin passengers, sir,’ he told Joshua. ‘They are along this way.’

  They followed him down a steep wooden staircase and along a narrow corridor until eventually he stopped in front of a door and motioned Isabelle, with Maria close on her heels, inside.

  ‘Goodness me, it is very tiny. How are we supposed to manage in here?’ Isabelle groaned. Right next door to their cabin was a small water closet and this too had her wrinkling her nose in distaste. Another door from Isabelle’s room led into the maid’s quarters and this proved to be tinier still with nothing but a small cot bed attached to the wall and room for one trunk on the floor at the very most.

  Next, the steward led Joshua to a single cabin just along the corridor and then, turning to Kitty, who was visibly trembling by now, he told her, ‘You’ll be down in steerage, m’dear, with the single females.’

  He led her on to another set of steep wooden stairs and pointed down them. ‘This ’ere is the companionway,’ he informed her. ‘An’ down there is the single women’s quarters.’ He then turned and walked off, leaving Kitty to find her own way.

  It looked very dark down there but knowing she had no choice, Kitty slowly and carefully began to descend. When she eventually entered the women’s quarters she gazed about in shocked disbelief. There were two rows of bunks along either wall and already women of various shapes and sizes were lounging about on them. The floor was cluttered with their luggage and already the smell of stale sweat and unwashed bodies hung on the air. All down the centre of the room was a table with benches either side of it which were all firmly nailed to the floor, but other than that the place was bare. Not even a port-hole that might admit a little fresh air. But then Kitty supposed they must be well below sealevel down here.

  As she stood there hesitantly a huge woman with her hair scraped back into a severe bun came marching towards her.

  ‘Name?’ she barked, glancing at a list she held.

  ‘It’s Kitty, miss.’ Kitty’s heart was pounding and she was sure she had never been so terrified in her life. But then this woman could strike terror into the hardest of hearts.

  ‘Kitty who?’

  ‘J-just Kitty, miss.’

  ‘Hmph! Ah, here we are then! Come with me.’ She drew a line through Kitty’s name. ‘I am Miss Henshaw, the Matron in these quarters, and for the duration of the voyage you will be answerable to me. I shall expect you to keep your own bunk tidy, and there is to be no fraternising with the sailors. You will not be allowed out of this room after ten o’clock at night for any reason, and it will be the worse for you if you disobey me. Is that clear?’

  ‘Yes, ma’am,’ Kitty muttered, disliking the woman more with every passing minute.

  ‘Good, then seeing as you are so small, you shall have one of the upper bunks. This one here will do.’ She had led Kitty almost to the end of the long room and now, after pointing up to one of the bunks, she turned and hurried away, leaving Kitty alone. The girl threw her valise up ahead of her then clambered up onto the hard straw-filled mattress, suddenly dreading the voyage ahead. This was certainly a far cry from the luxurious hotel she had stayed in the night before, but then she supposed beggars couldn’t be choosers, as Mrs Bradshaw had always told her. She was just going to have to make the best of it.

  Chapter Thirteen

  The following morning, Maria was woken by the sound of a bell clanging up on deck. She started awake then winced at the crick in her neck. The striped ticking mattress on the bed was so hard that she felt as if she had slept on the floor, and the cot was so narrow that she had not even been able to turn over. Sitting up cautiously, she stretched – then swinging her feet out of bed she wrapped her old shawl about her shoulders and tapped on the adjoining door.

  ‘Come in.’

  She entered to find Isabelle propped up in a bed that was only slightly more comfortable than her own with her arms folded tightly about her chest. She was in a bad humour. ‘This cabin is abominable,’ she snapped pettishly. ‘Surely Mama could have found us something better than this. We shall never survive for four months in here, and it’s so cold!’

  Maria smiled at her encouragingly. ‘Why don’t we get you dressed then, miss? You can take a turn about the deck then and go to the dining cabin for breakfast. That will warm you up.’

  ‘I dare say it will be better than sitting here,’ Isabelle moaned as she climbed out of her bunk.

  She washed hastily in the cold water that Maria poured into the bowl for her then after helping her to dress, Maria pinned her hair up.

  ‘There, that’s better, isn’t it?’ Maria said as if placating a child as she fetched Isabelle’s warm cloak.

  ‘Slightly, I suppose,’ Isabelle admitted grudgingly. ‘But you get dressed too now Maria and go for your meal. I believe there is a different dining area for servants. You can tidy my clothes up when you have eaten.’

  Once Isabelle had gone, Maria quickly did as she was told and soon she too was up on the deck, amazed at all the activity going on around her. High above her, the ship’s sails flapped and cracked in the wind, and after asking directions she hastily made her way to the servants’ dining cabin. A woman in a voluminous white apron was standing at a table ladling out bowls of porridge and sloshing stewed tea into cracked mugs, and as Maria looked around she was relieved to see Kitty sitting alone with her head bowed looking very sorry for herself. After quickly fetching her breakfast, which looked as unappetising as anything she had ever eaten, she joined Kitty.

  A look of relief washed across the girl’s face. ‘Oh, Maria. I’m so pleased to see you,’ she gabbled. ‘It’s horrible down in the women’s quarters and the Matron is so sour-faced, I reckon she could even give Mrs Bradshaw a run for her money!’

  Maria grinned. ‘Well, I’m sure you’ll be fine just so long as you do as you’re told.’ She grimaced then as she took a mouthful of porridge which was just as disgusting as it looked.

  Kitty brightened. She always felt better when she was with Maria. ‘’T’ain’t as posh as the breakfast we had yesterday, is it?’ she said. ‘But what’s your cabin like?’

  ‘Tiny,’ Maria answered. ‘And Miss Isabelle isn’t best pleased with hers either but I dare say we’ll manage.’

  When the girls had finished eating they moved back out onto the deck, glad of the warm capes that Miss Isabelle had bought them, and leaned on the rails. The seamen were working feverishly now to prepare for sailing in less than two hours’ time, and they had to be careful to keep out of their way. The gangplank had been pulled up now and Maria felt a pang of apprehension. It was as if the last link to the world she had known had been severed – and who knew what the future would hold?

  At noon a pilot took control of the ship to guide it out of the estuary, and as the enormous craft pulled away from the dock, Kitty clung to Maria fearfully. She had cleaned Master Joshua’s cabin and was now in the process of doing the same to Miss Isabelle’s, but suddenly both girls had the urge to see their last sight of dry land.

  ‘Let’s go up on deck!’ Kitty said daringly and with a smile Maria agreed and they grabbed their cloaks and headed along the corridor.

  Once on deck they were shocked at the number of people there. Children were racing about, oblivious of the cold, and emigrants hung across the railings determined to watch their homeland until it was out of sight. Smartly dressed ladies in crinolines paraded up and down on the arms of dapper gentlemen who were hanging onto their hats for fear of the bitter wind snatching them away. The ship had begun to rise and fall now and Kitty gripped the rail as a wave of nausea swept through her. Others were already leaning over the railings deposi
ting their breakfasts into the sea, and the sight of them made Kitty feel even worse if that was possible, although she clung on bravely.

  It was as they were standing there that Maria became aware of someone right next to her and when she glanced around, she saw Joshua.

  ‘I thought I would come and see how you both are,’ he said pleasantly. ‘Isabelle is listening to a band in the main salon.’

  The salon, she had been informed, was to be used for many activities that the passengers would invent during the course of the voyage, but Maria preferred to be out in the fresh air – for now, at least.

  ‘I am very well, sir, thank you,’ she responded primly. ‘Although I fear Kitty is not so.’

  A hurried glance at Kitty’s white face confirmed what she had said and Josh instantly asked, ‘Would you like to go and lie down, Kitty?’

  ‘Oh no, sir, thanks very much but happen I’m best where I am,’ she managed to answer. With every second that passed, the docks were receding into the distance. Seagulls squawked and wheeled overhead and Maria felt painfully aware of Joshua’s closeness.

  Glancing up at the sails now, he told her, ‘The pilot will leave us when we reach the lighthouse and then we will have to wait for the wind to fill the sails.’

  On the other side of him a young couple with their four little children clutching at their mother’s skirts were openly crying and Maria felt sorry for them. Like her, they were no doubt wondering if they would ever come home again. As if reading her thoughts, Joshua lightly rested his hand on hers and she felt fire burn up her arm.

  ‘I think you will like Tasmania,’ he told her, hoping to take her mind off the receding coastline. ‘It is sunny almost all of the time there. Not at all like England, and the wildlife there is quite extraordinary. They have parrots where we are used to sparrows. Do you know anything about Australia, Maria?’