A Mother's Shame Read online

  He was so kind that she felt herself begin to relax a little and even managed a faltering smile. ‘Not much, sir, only what I have read in books that I managed to get from the free reading rooms,’ she replied.

  ‘Ah, then I think you will be pleasantly surprised. Tasmania is well known for its sheep farms, and our uncle has one of the largest there. I visited once with my parents a few years ago, and I must admit I loved it so much I scarcely wanted to come home.’ He chuckled at the memory but the conversation was halted when Kitty suddenly leaned across the railings to be violently sick.

  ‘Oh dear,’ Maria said in dismay as she placed her arm about the poor girl’s heaving shoulders. Kitty had turned an alarming shade of green. Joshua hurried away, only to return minutes later with a glass of water. The girl accepted it gratefully and gulped at it, but unfortunately this only seemed to make matters worse and within seconds she was being sick again, as were many more of the passengers by now.

  ‘Perhaps you should leave me to look after her, sir,’ Maria suggested, deeply embarrassed that he should have to witness his maid being so ill. But Joshua was having none of it.

  ‘I most certainly will not,’ he answered firmly. Then: ‘Come along, Kitty. I shall escort you down to the steerage. Perhaps a lie-down for a short while will make you feel better.’

  He hustled her away with her small hand clapped across her mouth, and at the door to the single ladies’ quarters Miss Henshaw stopped him with a stern expression on her face.

  ‘I’m sorry, sir, but gentlemen are not allowed beyond this point.’ She stood resolutely blocking the door and Joshua had to stifle a grin. Anyone would have thought she was guarding the crown jewels.

  ‘Then could you see that this young lady is taken care of,’ he managed to say, keeping a straight face. ‘I’m afraid she is feeling rather unwell.’

  ‘Of course, sir.’ So are half of the other passengers, the woman thought to herself. But they don’t get their masters escorting them to their beds. It really was most inappropriate! She then grasped poor Kitty’s elbow with her mouth set in a grim line and whisked her through the door, leaving Joshua standing there like a spare part.

  He shook his head and chuckled softly as he turned and took the steep staircase two at a time, but once back on deck the smile vanished as he saw that Maria had gone.

  Later that afternoon, when the boat reached the lighthouse, the pilot took his leave. As he clambered down a ladder into the small boat that would take him back to shore a cheer went up amongst the steerage passengers who were well enough to be out on deck. They were truly at sea now, and all they had to do now was to wait for the wind to fill the sails. It came within the hour, making the sails snap like gunshots, and the vessel began to bounce across the waves at an alarming rate, making the people who were already unwell feel even worse.

  Isabelle was one of the casualties, and as Maria mopped her damp forehead with a cloth she groaned and clutched her stomach.

  ‘Oh dear,’ she whimpered as she leaned over the bucket Maria had placed at the side of her bunk bed. ‘I fear I am going to die, Maria.’

  ‘No, you’re not, miss,’ Maria told her gently, grateful that she wasn’t suffering from sea sickness too. ‘One of the sailors on deck told me that once we get further out to sea it will be calmer and then you will start to feel better.’

  In actual fact the sky had darkened before the waves subsided, and by then Maria was exhausted. She had slipped down to the women’s quarter’s to see how Kitty was faring, only to be turned away at the door by Miss Henshaw.

  ‘Kitty will be fine,’ she told her. ‘I am quite used to caring for passengers with weak stomachs.’

  ‘But I thought if I could just see—’

  ‘No, I am afraid that is quite out of the question,’ Miss Henshaw told her, holding her hand up to stop the girl’s flow of words. ‘Now I suggest you get back to your mistress. I am assuming you are a lady’s maid?’

  Feeling quite intimidated by the woman, Maria nodded numbly.

  ‘Then off you go. I am sure Kitty will be well enough to resume her duties by the morning.’

  Realising that there was no more to be said, Maria slowly climbed the steep wooden staircase and wandered over to the railings. Above her, the sky was full of stars that made the black waters sparkle, and despite the cold, Maria was sure she had never seen anything quite so pretty.

  ‘It’s a wonderful sight, isn’t it?’

  Startled, she whirled around to see Joshua standing behind her and instantly she was flummoxed.

  ‘Er . . . yes, yes it is,’ she stuttered, wondering why he always had this effect on her. ‘It is quite breathtaking.’

  They remained silent for a time as they watched the sea slapping against the side of the ship. The deck was almost deserted and Maria was very conscious of his closeness.

  ‘Are you feeling all right, Maria?’ he asked solicitously after a time and she nodded.

  ‘Oh yes, I’m fine, thank you, sir.’

  ‘We are going to be on board for a long time. Could you not call me Josh? Sir is so formal.’

  ‘I . . . I don’t think that would be right, sir,’ she answered, feeling totally out of her depth. Joshua was a gentleman whilst she was merely a servant. And a pregnant one at that! She wondered what he would think when he learned of her condition. Very soon now her bump would be obvious, and suddenly she did not want to wait for the look of condemnation that would cross his face when he found out. She would far sooner get it out of the way now, and so taking a deep breath, she began, ‘Sir – there is something I think you should know.’

  He turned to look at her and the moon turned his green eyes to a glorious emerald.

  She licked her lips, which were suddenly dry. ‘The thing is . . . well, there is no easy way to say this, so I shall just come out with it. I – I am with child. Miss Isabelle knows and insisted I should still come with her anyway, but I promise that this will not interfere with my care of her.’

  ‘I already know of this,’ he answered quietly. ‘Isabelle told me whilst we were at dinner before the ship sailed.’

  Her eyes grew round. ‘And . . . and you do not condemn me? I am unmarried and—’

  ‘Maria, you do not have to explain anything to me,’ he assured her kindly. ‘Perhaps one day you will trust me enough to relate the circumstances that led to this condition, but until then it is not for me to judge.’

  In truth, he had been shocked when his sister told him. Somehow he had thought Maria was a cut above the other girls of her station. But who was he to judge? He stared away across the ocean then, and could she have known it, he was thinking how unfair life was. And how guilty he felt – for had he not had an illegitimate child too?

  His mind spun back in time to the comely housemaid who had taken his virginity. He had been home from boarding school on holiday when their affair began and he had been unable to take his eyes off her shapely curves and her sweet dimpled face. Edith had made no secret of the fact that she found him attractive, and somehow they had ended up in the hay barn one day and it had gone from there. Even now when he closed his eyes he could remember how soft and yielding her body had felt beneath his inexperienced hands. How could he have known that Edith had bedded half of his parents’ male staff too? Whenever he came home from school after that, for months they would sneak off together and inevitably one day she informed him that he was going to be a father. He could clearly remember the elation that had swept through him and he had expressed his undying love as only a lovesick youth could. ‘We shall be married and I shall look after you forever,’ he had promised her. Unfortunately his father did not agree with his proposal when he finally told him, and Charles Montgomery had shaken him as a dog might shake a rat.

  ‘You young idiot!’ he had ranted. ‘All young men should sow their wild oats and I do not condemn you for that. Better to lose your virginity to a maid than a whore. But you do not marry a servant! Your mother and I have brought you up for be
tter things. It has long been an understanding between her family and ours that one day you and young Felicity Pettifer will become betrothed.’

  ‘But what will become of Edith if I do not marry her?’ Josh had asked falteringly. ‘And Felicity and I have never been anything other than friends.’

  ‘We shall pay her off,’ his father had informed him coldly. ‘She will go back to her family and that will be an end to it. And you, young man, will return to school immediately – and when the time is right, you will ask Felicity’s father for her hand in marriage, and you and Felicity will announce your engagement.’

  And so Josh had gone back to school, with a heavy heart. It was some months later that he had heard the cook and one of the maids gossiping in the kitchen and learned that Edith had given birth to a son who had only lived for three days. Heartbroken, he had made a vow there and then that he would never make such a mistake again. Instead, when he left school he had become involved in his father’s businesses and to his surprise had found that he enjoyed being busy. But then recently his mother and father had begun to parade Felicity in front of him at every opportunity and he had realised that they felt he was ready for marriage. Well, let them think it. He would decide when he was ready to take a bride and he would not choose Felicity Pettifer. She was a nice enough girl, admittedly, but he didn’t feel drawn to her in the slightest and he suspected that she felt the same about him too. All she could talk about was the latest fashion and embroidery and who was betrothed to whom!

  Josh supposed this was why he had not objected when his mother had asked him to escort Isabelle to Tasmania. He would enjoy spending time on his uncle’s sheep ranch and it would get him away from their match-making – for a time at least. What he had not counted on was meeting someone like Maria. She was unlike any girl he had ever met before. Beautiful, intelligent, kind and caring. Not that anything could ever come of it, of course. He was not about to make the same mistake twice, but surely that should not stop him from enjoying her company?

  She had been standing silently at his side, but now pulling his thoughts sharply back to the present, he asked, ‘Would you like to find a more sheltered spot? The wind from the sea is rather cold. We could sit over there.’ He pointed to a bench that was screwed down to the deck away from the railings.

  ‘I think I should be getting back to see how Miss Isabelle is, sir.’ Maria stepped away from him, still reeling from the knowledge that he knew about her condition. And then without another word she turned and fled, and he stayed and watched her go until she was out of sight.

  The next day they sailed into bad weather and people took to their bunks in droves as the ship pitched and turned, first this way and then the other. The stench of vomit hung on the air in Isabelle’s cabin, and when Kitty finally managed to get there it was to find a bucket of soiled nightclothes waiting for her.

  ‘I’m so sorry,’ Maria apologised as she pointed to them. ‘But I need help. I have had to change Miss Isabelle’s nightgown twice during the night and again early this morning.’

  Glancing towards her mistress, who was the colour of bleached linen, Kitty raised a weak smile. She still felt very fragile herself but Miss Henshaw was not one to let anyone lounge about unless they were so ill they could not stand.

  ‘Don’t go worryin’ about it,’ she said sturdily. ‘The sailors have cleared a corner on the lower deck where we can do the laundry. They’ve even strung some lines up fer us. But I can’t promise how clean the clothes will be, as we’re to wash ’em in seawater that they’re drawin’ up in buckets. No doubt they’ll be stiff as boards by the time they’ve dried.’

  ‘Well, at least they won’t smell,’ Maria replied as she handed the heavy bucket to Kitty. ‘But you just be careful if you’re going on deck. I wonder if you shouldn’t wait until the ship is a little steadier.’

  ‘I’ll be fine,’ Kitty assured her. ‘To be honest I think I’d sooner be outside. There are so many people ill, the whole ship reeks.’ Lifting the bucket she disappeared then as Maria turned her attentions back to Isabelle. She had been up for most of the night with her, but seeing that she had now dropped into an uneasy doze, Maria decided to take advantage of the fact and try to snatch a rest herself . . .

  Josh entered the cabin a short time later to find Maria fast asleep in the small chair at the side of Isabelle’s bunk. Even with her clothes crumpled and her hair escaping its pins she still managed to look beautiful. Not wishing to disturb them, he crept away with a frown on his face. There was something about that girl that drew him to her like a magnet – but he really must stop being so silly. His mother and father would be appalled if they were to discover he was attracted to a servant girl again, and Maria had enough problems to deal with already without him adding to them.

  Up on deck he found Kitty and some other girls scrubbing out clothes in a variety of large buckets. He inclined his head as he passed her and she paused for a moment to nod in return and watch him go by. He were a handsome bloke, that Mr Josh, an’ no mistake, she thought to herself, then she went back to her task.

  By evening time, the ship had sailed into calmer waters and people began to emerge from their cabins looking pale and wobbly. Someone was doing Bible readings in the salon and many headed there, glad of a distraction, whilst the children raced about the deck playing Catch Me If You Can, pleased to be free of their confined quarters for a time.

  Isabelle had managed to keep some soup down and was feeling a little better, so she told Maria, ‘Why don’t you go and get some fresh air? You’ve been cooped up in here all day with me and you must be exhausted.’

  ‘I think I will if you’re sure you don’t mind, miss.’ Maria grabbed her cloak and headed for the lower deck where the servants and emigrants were allowed to exercise. The upper deck was for the use of the cabin passengers, so she hoped that she would avoid seeing Joshua.

  Once alone, Isabelle stared dismally at the small port-hole and for the first time the full gravity of her situation came home to her as her hand dropped to rest on the tiny mound that was Pierre’s child growing inside her. How had it come to this? she wondered. This tiny cramped cabin was not what she was used to and she suddenly missed her mother and longed for her luxurious bedroom back at home. During her affair with Pierre she had given no thought to the fact that their lovemaking might have consequences. She had been far too infatuated with him to care – and now she would give birth to his child on the other side of the world and he would never even know that he was a father. The girl was wise enough to realise that the chances of ever seeing him again were slim. Her parents would see to that – and when she returned home, they would no doubt be in a hurry to marry her off to the first suitable young man, probably Philip. But how could she ever love anyone now, after knowing Pierre? And worse still, she must first face giving birth; the mere thought of it filled her with dread. She had heard horror stories of women dying during childbirth. What if that was to happen to her? Even if she did survive, would she ever be the same again? Isabelle was very vain and the thought of losing her figure was horrifying. Lowering her head into her hands, she cried bitter tears of self-pity.

  Up on deck, a group of sailors were lounging against one of the masts in their free time drinking rum, and as Maria passed they whistled and cried after her. She walked on with her nose in the air and one of them shouted, ‘Eeh, look at little Miss Hoity Toity. Thinks she’s too good fer the likes of us, she does, lads.’

  Maria paused to stare at him coldly. He was a huge man with hands like hams and a ruddy complexion that spoke of the many hours he spent outdoors. At some time his nose had been broken and now it spread across his face, giving him a fearsome look. His long hair was black as coal and tied back with a bow at the nape of his neck.

  He winked at her cheekily, and casting a withering look in his direction, Maria lifted her skirts and hurried on. What with Miss Isabelle and Kitty being poorly and one thing and another, it looked set to be a very long voyage indeed – and
it had scarcely even begun yet.

  Chapter Fourteen

  By mid-February, Kitty and Isabelle had grown their sea legs and were looking much better. In fact, Kitty was positively blooming. The plain hollow-cheeked girl who had left Hatter’s Hall now had a glow to her skin, and her mousycoloured hair was streaked with golden highlights that glinted in the sun. She worked from morning until night each day tending to Master Josh and Miss Isabelle’s needs without a word of complaint, for they were always kind to her, which was something she had never experienced in her former home. But it was Maria to whom she was closest. Maria had become the big sister she had always dreamed of having, and Isabelle often teased Maria that if she had asked Kitty to walk the plank for her, she would have. Nothing was ever too much trouble for the girl, and she went about her work with a smile, humming happily to herself.

  By now, both Isabelle’s and Maria’s waists were expanding at a rapid rate, a fact that Isabelle lamented; much of their time was taken up altering their gowns and letting out their waistbands. Surprisingly, Isabelle was a remarkably neat seamstress and under her guidance Maria became almost as good. If the weather was balmy, Isabelle would stroll along the decks during the afternoons, shaded from the sun by her parasol. As she was often heard to say, it would never do to become brown like a gypsy. Ladies should have pale skin. Maria thought this might be quite difficult to maintain if Tasmania was as hot as she had heard it was, but she wisely held her tongue. Maria rarely saw Joshua now. Apart from when he visited Isabelle in her cabin, he tended to keep to the upper deck.

  On one particularly mild day as Isabelle and Maria were taking the air, they had to step aside to let a little herd of children pass by. The children were rolling hoops across the deck and Maria smiled as she was reminded of Emma.

  ‘My sister loved playing with her hoop in the lane,’ she remarked and Isabelle glanced at her, detecting the note of regret in her voice.